let them help!

I'm learning to ask for help-slowly turning to one who cares about me and asking for assistance when I need it. Man! It's hard!!! I've grown so independent-so self reliant over the last two decades that I'm no longer sure of how to ask for, let alone accept, help. But I'm working on it! The benefits are abounding and I know the ability to accept care will multiply my well being, sense of self and internal peace. It will alleviate stress, reduce anxiety and grow appreciation. All benefits as I see it! It's been so difficult in the past-deciding that it was just easier to do it all myself instead of having to deal with what I ran up against as the alternative.
Coming back to a way of life and living that includes accepting care is more difficult than any other step to wholeness I've walked. It's hard to let go of this kind of control! There's just something about releasing the hold I've had on myself that has been tremendously frightening and somewhat debilitating.
I really have never learned the art of receiving: Shoot, I've never had a 'real' massage, have felt terribly guilty the few times I've had a manicure and didn't even do the 'salon indulgence' for my own wedding! Why is it so hard to receive graciously!? Duly note-I would've been paying all of these 'receipts' at that!
Maybe because for so many years it wasn't 'receiving' it was 'taking' and it always cost me something. My heart is rooted in giving and caring; but these tendencies were mixed up until confusion and doubt ran rough shot over my own natural instincts. I learned to doubt myself and yet build a shell of protection as well. Accepting assistance or care became a hazard instead of a helpmate and the blessing it should be.
But people can learn and grow and heal. We are amazing creatures. Without vindication, tit for tat expectations, placing blame or pointing fingers we can choose to strengthen and grow into healthful living. So I chose. And now I'm trying to adapt to this choice! I'm trying to move further into this concept of asking and receiving. To reap the benefits of having someone care for me. To trust in another being to not trod on my heart :) To throw some more caution to the wind and believe that I wont have to pick myself up because there's going to always be someone to offer a loving hand. Unconditional generosity exists: It's come to me for years from my dad. Now it is time to trust in it from someone who doesn't love me based on the fact of birth :)
I'm throwing off old notions of independence and freedom and embracing the true freedom in caring and sharing with someone else. This means believing in what's in front of me instead of bracing myself for the moment it starts to taste like flavors of the past. Letting someone care for me and help me means releasing a lifelong hold and embracing trust in someone else. And in this I am discovering unbound freedom and joy. Imagine that....in love. trish.

'Opening the heart is like inviting someone in for tea and secretly hoping they don't break anything :)'