monday musings #2

Freedom means responsibility. Where are you seeking to be free?

in love. trish

wow...

getting quiet   'come here to me'

Do you go so very long without blogging?! I am wondering where my voice went. Did I leave it there in Chicago, or perhaps Oregon or Michigan?! Have I somehow forgotten to care for it and now it's lingering, moldy and dust-covered in the back of my pajama drawer?!
sigh....
oh how I want to be here!
Oh how I want to find my voice again!
Oh how I want to share and get my heart back on the page instead of crammed up inside of me, swelling more daily with the desire, but not the voice~
sigh....
Perhaps it's just as the world says; just do it!
Do I need to just put my nose to the grindstone and crank out some thought?!
No; when has that ever worked and not become a regret; an oops I wish I hadn't?!
Nope.
Holding my tongue; or fingertips as the case may be here.
I will talk again.
Pull out that crumpled voice from underneath the pink polka-dot jammies
       or discover it returned to sender from the Oregon, or Michigan travels....
But not yet.
And that's okay.
God's working something in me. And God will work it out of me :)
in love. trish xxoo

what is one thing you think of that always makes you smile?

My 13 year old asked me this last week. Remember, I have all boys. That makes it my 13 year old SON asked me this last week. Is anyone else raising their eyebrows in amazement?! And, from a mother's point of view, how freakin' precious is this!!?

I have been told he has an old soul. He can ask things, and give his interpretation of situations, with more maturity and human understanding than the best of the 'grownups'. He has left me slack jawed in awe on many an occasion. Don't get me wrong; he'll leave the frig open and track mud through the house with the best of them!

Patrick is my fourth and youngest child; therefore the one to get my name, so to speak, since a girl was not in the mix. I never pined for one mind you-I haven't spent a day wishing for a girl since laying on the ultrasound table for the third time and hearing, yep there it is!~I adore the name Patrick and it was fun to name someone after me~

I answered his query with the first thing that came to mind; my boys. But it stuck in my head that that just isn't quite it. I mean, really, do your children make you smile all the time?! I think not! Children bring more blistering frustrations and sometimes even love testing dilemmas than any other relationship can even come close to. So I had to rethink his line of questioning...

A few days later a more appropriate response struck me, and an ironic one at that. What always makes me smile when I think of it is the time he and I spent eight days in Children's Hospital. Wow. See the irony?! And three of those days were in intensive care. While the time there was painful, scary, frustrating and all around gut wrenching, the memories I carry from it are of a connection. He and I spent eight days joined in the single biggest event of his life; eating, sleeping and even breathing just inches from each other every moment. But when there were minutes not filled with needles, tubes and tests, I would push him on his IV pole through the halls-take pictures standing next to all of the animal sculptures-and when he started building his strength, try to do wheelies through the vacant halls in his wheelchair. All this went down four years ago in May. He and I spent Mother's day looking out the window of his room and testing the wheel chair on a newly discovered hallway with an incline :)

That time at Children's matched that of giving birth to my third son and soon after being frantically wheeled to surgery for blood transfusions and strange lasers. Scary. Nay, terrifying. But when you come out on the other side of things like that, able to smile, reflect and be oh so grateful for the minutes that have come after, even the terrifying can make you smile. in love. trish

don't

worry. overthink. overwork. settle. accept second best. frown. accept good enough. stop listening. stop believing. stop trusting. stop loving. ignore. close your eyes. trust blindly. wear blinders. deafen the soul.
stop choosing. degrade. defeat. throw it away. cut ties. doubt yourself. stop asking why. sit. tell him no. ignore a tug. close doors. ignore the heart. lose faith. lose heart. shrink. choose safe. turn from inspiring. turn down. scowl. deaden the passion. ignore goosebumps. look to greener grass. seek outside yourself. stop learning. stop trying. stop failing. disbelieve. always believe. die inside. question your gut. believe your brain. lose self. try to see further than you can reach. go. not go. stop. allow.

messages

Messages. Such as the one that fell from my dresser as I was going to bed last night. A card; a birthday card I'd purchased just for its beauty, intending to give it to someone when it felt right, floated down from the file atop my dresser in which it had been resting, snugly, since I purchased it almost three years ago. As it landed, open to the vivid interior greeting on the boring beige of my carpet, I bent to retrieve it and was given goosebumps by its words. 'Now is where you live, here is your heart.' I'd been embattled, for the zillionth time, in doubt, frustration and angst over my place in the universe, my heart's connection to anothers in this world, my soul's true path in this life. The message-so simple, so real, so easy-took my breath away. It brought tears to my eyes and sent my heart racing. It was a 'duh' reminder to live the 200 feet in front of you-the next five minutes-and not the unpredictable future. It will fall into place as I live fully in the space I am in right now. We are not here to live in angst and fear, but to move in and grow in love, gratitude and compassionate connecting. The path each of us is here to follow is clearly defined, if only we use our eyes to see it. Messages fluttering off of the tops of dressers remind us this is so. And it reminds me to always remember the three things that rule living well:
Love like everyone you meet is God in disguise.
Listen to the voice of your heart.
Give thanks. every hour.
And, that my life's job is to love well, care well and live well.
Happy Monday. Happy start to new possibilities. Happy 200 feet. Trish