Tuesday, July 27, 2010
'First, if you think something is a good idea, don't let yourself get talked out of it. Apply common sense but develop a thick skin and avoid listening to naysayers.'
Develop a thick skin; that is the part I keep having so much trouble with! Part of me understands the necessity for it; to protect oneself from the vision and insight of others that can potentially halt our own inspiration with their 'know what's best for us' intrusions. As God would have it-'guard your heart'.
But a big part of me wants to just be open, and free, and accessible and THERE to it all-to everyone.
Find the balance....guard your heart.
So I stick myself out there and risk. I share my dreams and aspirations with those dear to me, and yes, with those I have hopes will share in the vision and become a part of making it come true. And, I risk. And, I get hurt. And, I pick myself up, shake off the dust, smile a genuine, yet pain-filled smile and turn away.
I stopped at the tears in the past. Not realizing the strength, fortitude and perseverance that existed within me to push on, shake off the dust and keep the dream alive. The unending source that will always help me rekindle the flame that was squelched by this person who received my dream so eagerly, seemed to share in the development of it, yet turned out to be a naysayer and a player with an ulterior motive in the end.
I would've still been found hiding in bed; buried under tear-stained covers cradling my weary, dream-shattered head-wearing cozy jammies stained with the days of self-pitying deception and ice cream platitudinous indulgence. Oh what a life!
Thank God I've found another way.
Confidence and conviction are not born of my own self will. They do not spring from a sense of myself or my own developed ability to 'do', 'be', or 'achieve'. I have tried to find this within myself for decades and continued to fall short of the success that could've been mine if I'd been searching and walking in the right way.
So today, on the other side of this past self conviction, as I face a letdown-for having trusted in an eager recipient of my dream to hold it and be a party to the blossoming of it...as I swallow hard, hold fast to my faith that this has come on my path designed by God, and rest into what I know will come tomorrow if I do the work of letting go of the pain and fortifying my resolve to do this as I've been called to do, I smile my pained smile. I distract myself with small projects that will allow my brain to process and my heart to breath. I look forward to the gentle bolstering up I can count on from John this evening. I put my disappointment into black and white to you so that it can be released from me; creating room for the good that must replace it.
So that after the hurt I'll have the heart. To stand firm again and continue amidst the disappointment a stronger, more convicted follower, ready to take the next step and make the next move as only God prompts me. So far, SO GOOD. The ring on my finger is proof. I made it through the test to get the testimony of this blessed marriage-I will live through these tests to achieve this testimony. I have prepared. I have followed the rules. I will not quit. in love. trish