You know how things in life can seem like the real thing? Like all that you'd hoped for? Like, most definitely, no doubt about it, this is the 'it' I've been seeking? Yet-there is something in the background of it; something whispering in the recesses of your brain, telling you to listen! pause! take heed! tread gently! It can be so easy to ignore that whisper. So easy to settle in the 'it's good enough-I shouldn't expect better-take what I am getting'ness of it.
Thankfully, that something in the background has always been strong enough to rule over my self will and those things that shouldn't be, have fallen away. Some after long, arduous, hard-wrought years; others after just a few short weeks or months. But none have taken me out and all have fortified my strength.
Yet, some of those things that fell away have also returned. Remolded, with stretch marks and growth rings, some things that fell away return because they are taking on a new form and function in my newly remolded self :)
For instance my art. I had all but tossed it to the wind three years ago as I'd finished the book, needed a 'job' and begun working as the sign artist at the local Home Depot. 9-5er I am not and this lesson of life had me tearfully praying for direction and guidance in my career path. Blessings abound and today I am under contract for a second book; enjoying explosive creative days in the studio; thriving in traveling the country to enlighten eager encaustic workshop participants. What had fallen away has returned.
And my children. Last summer I did just about the bravest things I've ever done and kicked my oldest son out of the house. I thought he was gone for good; or at least a good long time. Floundering he is still. Lost he is still. Suffering he is still. But learning, and trying, and starting to see he is too. And turning back to me. Through prayers and gentle life reminders, Conner is turning in a way I never imagined yet always felt was possible for him. Time will tell, but again, what had fallen away has returned.
And then John. You remember him? I told you a bit about him on August 2, 2009(http://gingerfetish.blogspot.com/2009/08/love-pain.html). Gone he was. Completely and totally fallen away. Over. Kaput. Finis.
Life changes are amazing. God has taken John and me on our individual detours for the past year and a half, nuancing the things that were 'not right enough' and upgrading the things that were 'pretty darn right' until He felt we were ready to fall back together. A feat only He could pull off. A graceful dance ranking right up there with 'miracle'. Especially under the circumstances~
I committed to walking with God alone in 2010. My heart and mind embraced this commitment and I've been thriving in it since I made the declaration. Bumps and fears have arisen-you've been privy to them :), but overall the intense joy of this commitment can not be denied. God is shining brightly in my life and I could stand on the highest mountain and holler His graciousness to the world through a bullhorn for the joy of it all. Needless to say I didn't expect to find a life partner in this time: Most definitely not in one that I'd closed the door on!
And in that is the God-ness of it; He had different plans that all my, our, human fumbling couldn't come close to pulling off. A year and a half ago He put up detours on each of our paths until He got us each where He needed us to be for Him and each other. Now He's returned us each back to the main road-where we've run smack back into each other.
I struggled with my years' commitment and the seeming conflict this running into was creating. Then it dawned on me, yes, through much prayer!, that the commitment has nothing to do with who is in my life but rather how they are in my life. If I walk with God then anyone in my life is there in love, trust, faith and commitment. And if anyone falls into my life at this time, then I'd better look very hard from where they'd fallen~
Foundations in this love, trust, faith and commitment began for John and I three years ago, but have just now, because of the time apart and individual detours, been fortified to support more building.
Making a commitment to walk with God is not a solitary journey-as I'd envisioned upon my pronouncement. Rather it is a solidarity of spirits that is based on all that God is; love, trust and grace. So I continue my commitment by following where He is leading and reveling in the journey.
And now holding some one's hand. John and I are getting married. It would seem that I am the 'one' just around the corner holding the sign with his name on it :)
With our children to witness and our pastor to bless, we will say 'I do' in June. A commitment that will carry us into the rest of our lives. I am so amazingly crazily passionately loving this journey. in love. trish