gingers

I took my boys back to the airport this morning so they could return 'home'. Feeling so desperately hollow as I watch them snake through the security check line to the conveyored xray machines. Their red heads towering above most the rest as they slowly proceed through the switch backs. I've watched this coming and going for over three years now and the pain of their departure, even in all its changed forms, has not grown easier. The tears welled undeniably as I tried to hide behind a smile.
They didn't appreciate me so much over this visit. We didn't connect or communicate with any depth or true heart this week. It felt as if they were filling obligatory time-doing the 'have to' in this routine of mom-and-dad-got-divorced. This is what it feels like to be a 'have to'....
I watched them put their shoes back on and sling their bags onto their backs realizing that it was no longer about anything I could do. Who they are and who they are becoming will not be determined by my presence in their lives. They grow up, they see their own path, their own choices before them and they see mine-judging and determining-fairly or not-for their own.
It can hurt so inexplicably to love so much. Sometimes I think 'if I'd only known....' in love. trish.