uuuuugggggggh

The longings of my heart-while faint under the loss and cacophony of recovery at the onset-have gained strength and courage over the past three months of convicted 'aloneness'. They intrude on my early morning reading with quick jabs of neediness hitting just below the solar plexus. Coffee with a friend is invaded by a squeezing of my heart that aches more deeply than any love has touched. Working in the afternoon sun lite studio can find me immobilized in a pang for a gentle impassioned kiss. I had no idea it would feel like this. That not seeking-that allowing God to bring into my life what He has planned for me-that devoting my year to pursuing other paths than that of a romantic relationship, would leave me open to such inexplicable ache. Somehow I am finding satisfaction, and believe it or not-joy, in it though; In the waiting of this time. Squaring oneself with oneself is ennobling and a gracious gift bestowed-
God knows what I need in a partner; He's got my perfect mate picked out as I write this :)! When I am ready, when he is ready, God will put us together. But it can not be denied that the lack of it in this doing-other-things-time is surprisingly painful. Don't get me wrong-I didn't expect it to be easy-I knew I'd have to work at not wanting to throw an extra smile to the guy in the Starbuck's line or catch the eye of the blond in the dairy aisle. But I didn't think I would battle the intensity of internal deep longing for a companion and mate in nearly all I was doing. I thought my independent spirit and full, rich schedule of teaching and connecting would fill my inner cup to overflowing.
Yet at this 3month-in point of my one year commitment to pursuing Christ's call to me alone, I find difficulty in ways I couldn't have foreseen. And yet in this I should've seen it coming. God does not ask more of us than He equips us to handle....so test my strength, I am!
My commitment stands strong...if not on weakened knees and flailing heart. I will face these longings and aches stoically with God's grace at hand and look forward to the gift they are calling out-a God given companion as He would prescribe. Seeking through prayer, believing with faith and remaining steadfast by trust. Can't wait to see what I am writing next year at this time! in love. trish.

BE.free

What does this mean-'free'? I've had a shirt with this statement emblazoned across it for several years now. When I first began wearing it the meaning of 'free' was very different than it is now. Then it stood for the breaking free from the binds of a debilitating, soul-sucking marriage. I wore it proudly, like a peacock in full regalia, displaying my new found self discovery and unshackling.

Life lessons tumbled from this frenzied narcotic state of blissful new freedom and eventually the roller coaster began to level off. 'Free' was more identifiable in the meandering paths between amusement rides. To be free at this time meant I was able to buy a house; in my name alone. Eat meals when I chose. Go out of a Friday night with girlfriends if the mood struck me. To pile books on the 'other' side of the newly purchased comforter. Use both bathroom sinks interchangeably and wake up at 3am to drink coffee in bed with my journal-undisturbed.
Three years out, a little worn and faded, but still strongly proclaiming 'BE.free', this tshirt still gets regularly worn with pride. But now, a gentle honesty replaces that frenzied unshackling of its first days. The amusement ride of this phase of freedom is everlasting. It is not the roller coaster but the water ride. It twists and turns through pools and into hidden coves you are unaware of at the onset. Yet, you know you're safe in the controllers care for he holds the necessary knowledge and skill for this task. With excitement building you come through to the end of the ride to indulge in the joy of a trip well taken.
This 'free' is of trusting. This free is of believing, releasing grip, surrendering and having faith. This 'free' is where it's at and the ride I'm on for the duration. I've repunched my ticket and I get to stay seated for a good long time. in love. trish.

lifes' creative fluctuation

I haven't been painting all that much lately. The current series still lies in piles around the studio and covers the walls with their coordinated creative touch. I love to sit and gaze at them, each one unique and sparking a memory of its creation; yet all similar in their transcendent flow of purpose. I admire them, taking them off the wall, running fingertips over the smooth rich surface, turning them over in my hand to see the layers of process evident from the sides.
I'll get over the initial whole hearted love of them: This first-alive obsession of having been the conduit for their existence. At some point I will see my way to scrawl my signature, adhere instructions for care and enter them into the world to receive criticism and critique-acceptance or rejection-without taking this worlds' judgement as my own or making it personal.
Yet for a little while still, I get to indulge in them as all my own: Connected to me for just awhile more.
One by one I must release them; a show here, a sale there; an intrigued buyer-a supportive gallery director-will take them and lead them into a new place in their existence. These new owners, gallery directors, will grow their strength beyond what I have instilled and take them to places I am unable.
At which point a new series will call to me. Beckon me to the wax and yearn to be born from my brush and board. Beeswax will melt and torch will flame to be used for a new conductive creation. A space will clear in my heart and hand to grow a new painting and share with the world this next blessing. in love. trish.

i don't make pretty bread...

but oh my goodness I make yummy bread!

This is a revamped recipe from my grandmother, Nonny's, recipe file. It always sounded good to me and when my sister and I rifled through her typewriter written 3x5 cards I kept this one.

My modifications make it so much better :) and healthier of course!

I encourage you to try this; or try any bread recipe if you haven't made bread before. Homemade bread is very satisfying to make and oh so tasty to eat!

Cottage Cheese Dill Bread

1 1/2 t dry yeast

1 T honey

1/4 c warm water + more as needed

2-3 c whole wheat flour, white whole wheat flour, or whole wheat bread flour

1 t salt

1 c cottage cheese (I use nonfat)

1/4 c reconstituted ( I like them this way!) onion flakes (add warm water to just cover the flakes and let sit until it absorbs)

1 t minced chives ( I like this addition-not necessary though)

2 t dill seeds

1 T dill weed or 1 t fresh minced dill

In a large mixing bowl pour warm water over honey and yeast; stir to dissolve. Allow to sit for 10 minutes or so in order to activate the yeast. Add 2 c flour, salt and 1/4 c tap water and blend until encorporated. Add more flour as needed to create a stiff dough. I knead within the bowl, but it can be turned out onto a floured surface if you prefer. Knead until a soft,elastic ball is created. Cover with a slightly damp dish towel and sit in a warm place to rise over night.

In the morning the dough should be at least doubled in size. Punch down, add cheese, onions, dill and chives. Knead to encorporate and add more flour to maintain a consistent, elastic dough.

Place in a loaf or casserole pan that has been sprayed with olive oil, cover and allow to rise for 1-4 hours; loaf will double in size again.

15 minutes before baking, turn over to 375 degrees and allow to fully preheat. Place loaf in lower third of oven and bake for 35 minutes. Check for color and cover if necessary. Bake another 15 minutes. Turn onto cooling rack and dig in :)) in love. trish.

open letter

To amazing people,

To thank and acknowledge the gentle, honest strength that's been touching my days.

You are generous and guileless; offering your best simply because there is nothing else. Your motives are to bring about smiles and joy-to instill warmth and delight-to offer refuge, retreat, comfort and care. You spill genuine interest, honest compassion and deliberate attentiveness. Through your generosity you more often than not create more of this comfort, care and joy than you yourself experience! Whether a momentary communication or a long lasting connection, you put the best of yourself in every breath of your day. You've touched me and made a difference. Caused my eyes to open a little more, my heart to warm a few degrees and my spirit to lift a bit higher-To aim for your level of performance-To dole out generosity and grace as humbly and freely as its been given. Your blessings do not go unnoticed. You stand apart from the norm and spread your own gentle cacophony just by remaining true. You lead in quiet genuineness. Oh that each day I come just a baby step closer to your beautiful way of walking this life. in love. trish.

If you are left wondering to whom I am writing, it is you.

sitka center for art and ecology residency

Yes, I'm working in multiple mediums...not doing mending!

Blogging hasn't come easily lately; you've noticed you say?! Honestly-I've felt like I've been sharing my heartaches more than anything else. Yet recently I came to realize that it isn't the heartaches I'm spilling in these pages, as much as the growth and learning that's occured as a result of them, so I am back at it! Accepting my 'voice', come what may, and spilling my heart, aka guts!, to these posts. :)

So for now, welcome back! To me, to you, to accepting this voice, to not withholding and to responding to what is mine alone to give. I wont always get it right, yea duh, but sometimes that's the fun-figuring out what went wrong and making adjustments to walk most honestly.

And where am I now you ask?! Physically-in Otis, Oregon. Nestled into the pines at the mouth of the Salmon River as it finds its entry into the Pacific Ocean. Pausing and painting on a nugget of less than an acre of land dedicated to furthering the arts and ecology of this amazing bit of creation: Sitkacenter.org.

Blessed by this swiftly disappearing two week residency-among five other artists who have planted themselves for almost four months, I am sucking the marrow out of every minute. 312 hours; a mere 18720 minutes. Math skills aside, it is fleeting!

With Patrick tucked safely under my mother's wing, I left home after just eight days back from my twelve day workshop whirlwind through Texas. He has officially become a teenager-he's more enraptured with having me gone than home.

The first night here found heavy coastal rains pummeling the roof of my austere residence. Tracking large amounts of pine needles into what would be my home for two weeks was unavoidable as I unpacked everything to sustain me for the duration. A bundle of tulips from a friend; photographs of the boys to perch on the table; my pile of books stacking haphazardly beside the bed; a small plastic frog entrusted to me by my sister. This 20'x20' is redolent of Trish.

Sitka headmasters Eric Vines and Jalene Case graciously afforded me exclusive use of the vaulted ceilinged, worn wood floored, ocean view space of Boyden Studio to set up shop. After that first night of pelting rain, deeply warming sun has pervaded and walking to the distant sound of crashing waves in the early morning light has been heart lifting-(if not shin splinting! there are HILLS here!) To deny God in this place is irrefutably impossible.

The wax warms, my sewing machine hums, the burning tool glows red: I am intent on filling every ounce of my time. With the obvious lack of daily distraction, or maybe in spite of the tremendous temporal distraction, I've set about each day to indulgent design and creativity.

Where Texas was about intense sharing, connection and expansion, Sitka is proving to be about creativity, introspection and self awareness. Two opposites it would seem; back to back on the calendar, brimming my soul with needed totality. I found it easy to turn down an invitation to indulge in fresh-dug mussels and red wine as I explained my deep desire to remain reflective and creatively committed (just about my favorite meal mind you...)

Saturday afternoon found me taking my first official break as I hiked the headlands. After breathtaking inclines and multiple wood plank bridge crossings, I traversed a high meadow to view the awesome Pacific Ocean as the Salmon River spills into it. Vistas all the way to Lincoln City's beaches-and feeling as if I could see up to the Puget Sound, I couldn't help but smile upwards in thanksgiving. It blows my mind to be moving in the blessings of this life: Harmoniously listening to His directives and fluidly praying my dreams back. A day without goosebumps is rare any more. Yes, even in the pain. (Shoot, I currently have a head cold and miss my boys with an ache that feels like it has teeth sunk into it.) And yet, this was one of the super goosebumpy days. God's grace is amazing. Grabbing hold and going-in love. trish.

yes, I'm back!

Wow. What an amazing time. I can blame it on Texas, but in truth, the overwhelming joy and thrilled geeking comes from the people I connected with!
Dallas was a blast-thank you Bonnie and Deanna for creating a wonderful space to expand encaustic indulgence! www.theencausticcenter.om
In Austin, thank you thank you thank you Ampersand Art and its queen bee (beeswax reference intentional!) Elaine for an exceptional taste of what they are all about and their dedication to doing good works! BONUS INFO: Ampersand is developing an encaustibord in collaboration with R&F! Can it get any better?!!!! www.ampersandart.com
And San Antonio...wowzers. What a great bunch. They survived four days of me after I'd come from 6 days of travel and teaching through their northern statesmen and I think they still love me :) I can't say enough, so at this time I must choose to say too little. In a nutshell, blessings to all and thank you for the blessings back. www.texaswax.com (michelle belto specifically)
I'm spoiling Patrick with my presence all this week before heading off again for a residency in Oregon. I'll write from their and give everyone an update on my travails!
And, if any of you Texas attendees are reading this, PICTURES PLEASE! I can't do your state good service without photos from the workshops:P
in love. trish.