Discontent

Rose-colored glasses are never made in bifocals. Nobody wants to read the small print in dreams. Ann Landers

The journey will take longer than you hoped.
The obstacles will be more numerous than you believed.
The disappointments will be greater than you expected.
The lows will be lower than you imagined.
The price will be higher than you anticipated.
you must rely on powers outside of yourself to achieve any real dream to any real satisfaction.
But, if the journey continues to inspire and invigorate, the dream is alive and viable and we continue to pursue.

I have trouble staying in one thing for very long. I have marked this a fault for the longest time but in the past few years I am changing my thinking. I am adjusting to my adjusting! I do not consider it a fault any longer, but a blessing. It can be difficult, don't misunderstand; I see a change coming, a pulling away and striving toward, that many would tell me is wrong; that I need to settle in and stay where I'm at. But I disagree. I've been built this way for a purpose. God designed me to continuously, earnestly seek after and I am learning to embrace it amidst my societies scowl~
And now, for a month or more, that niggling in the back of my brain, the tugging of thoughts that I try to ignore, the play by play running in my head in the foggy distance is growing nearer, clearer, more dominate; threatening to overtake my place and shove me smack dab into unknown;into seemingly ill-prepared and as always, the tremenously afraid-albeit in the excited way.
I can see it coming~it's been sneeking up on me for the better part of a year, lurking on the fringes, trying to slip through an ill-forgotten open door to my consciousness amidst my current, distracted discontent. Not that I'm living in a discontented day mind you! It's just been a passing, distant shadow, flitting randomly in and out of my consiousness.
And now it's taken a seat; sitting patiently, hands gently clasped, legs casually crossed, in the back seat of the bus-joining me, as if invited, for this current life-ride. It's been there, hanging about, for a year or so....but in the past few months, discontent has moved forward, anticipating the next move, no longer sitting patiently put leaning forward, straining into the aisle, ready to bolt at the open door as soon as I put my foot to the brake and my hand to the lever...but that's the rub. I have to put my foot to the brake before I can put my hand to the lever.
There comes a point in the growning, changing, seeking, finding where you have to stop in order to start. Where you have to cease one to begin the other. Where you have to let go of the bar so that you can reach out and grab the next. I see it there: The next bar.
I feel discontent sitting there-just behind the drivers seat; breathing heavy in anticipation, heart beating rapidly in prepartion for the next move.
I'm frightened by the letting go; I know the next bar is there for me to grab, but I can not tell how solid it is; I can not tell if it is strong enough to hold me, to sustain me as I swing through all it has and propels me on to the next....
Yet the bar I still cling to is growning weak; my hand is hot and aching from the holding on too long. I feel the pads of my palm calousing from the rub of constantly gripping. It is time to swing forward. I will take the chance. I will release the one to grab the next. I will put on the brake and reach my hand to pull the door lever and watch as discontent bolts from the seat and is released from the ride.
I am so close. I see the next stop.
The next bar looms RIGHT THERE in my sights.
But I am not ready.
I do not feel ready.
I am not quite there.
I do not know what it will take. I do not know what is for me to do. I do not know what it will feel like to know that I am ready. And, when I say it here, I realize I do not need to know.
Discontent was put on the bus with the fare in its clenched fist by a loving father.
The next bar was placed with perfect design and determined planning.
I can rest assured that when I must stop, when I must let go, when I must reach out for the next bar, for the door release, I will know it is my time to do so. I have a father looking out for my ultimate success. I have a Lord interested only in my faithful gain. He will not let me fall. He will not let discontent ride beyond it's stop. I will know when and how to release and grasp when and where he has me to do so.~I can't wait to see where this bus is taking me. I can't wait to see where this discontent gets off. In God alone. in love. trish

roads. paths of choice

two roads diverged in a wood, and I-I took the one less traveled by. And that has made all the difference.
Robert Frost
I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen; not only because I see it, but because by it, I see everything else.
C.S. Lewis
thank you God.
You begin to awaken to the just-hinting-of-morning light. Your not yet conscious sense is percolating behind your still effortlessly closed eyes as your dream brain does a slow transition to wakeful-day thoughts. You notice as your skin begins to warm to the crumpled covers around you and you feel your hair tangled against your cool, exposed cheek; the first invasion of this new day is beginning.
thank you God.
You open your eyes.
And this, this is Christianity.
in love. trish

beeswax burnout

I wrote the following blog entry several months ago, never posting it because I wanted to see where I was going-to follow the burnout thread and see if there really was a tidbit at the end of the trail that would respark my creative energies. I truly do trust in this, as I stated in the post, but a small part of me, an old part albeit, surfaces with just enough force to make me pull back from the assurance every once in a while.
And so? Since this writing I invested in the downtime, teaching extensively, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually listening instead of seeking. I made delicious meals, baked gobs of cookies and painted several rooms :) I got married, assimilated households, and talked to people in my life about life a little more.
The result thus far? I am in Portland having just become invigorated by Crystal Neubauer's wax adornment workshop. I was gifted with new directional inspiration from a trip to Sitka Center. I met a wonderful new friend and have begun to see what God has in store for this meeting. I have partaken of the second book production, survived a UTube shoot and gone full-bore into business development. How? Such tremendous creation, such awesome movement and such amazing blessings! God. He provided. He provides. He set my foot down and I haven't stopped (speed) walking with a huge grin on my face ever since! Is it easy? NO! Is it scary?! YES! Do I sometimes want to pull back to the 'nothing' I was? Perhaps-just a smidge. But I remember, God has put me not necessarily on an easy path, but a safe one. And in this, I trust explicitely. Bank account going to business. House being overrun by creation of kits and ideas. Studio transformed into production rather than creation right now. To some a burden; to me, a blessing and what keeps me grinning like a fool, heart lifting out of my chest and each day proclaiming God's gracious mercy a little more boldly. blessings. in love. trish

I'm resigned: I have full-on, can't deny it, beeswax burnout. A little known ailment that strikes encaustic aficionados who've invested intense back to back blocks of time to pure indulgence in the sweet luscious medium. I've fallen victim.

I should've seen it coming; I've been in the studio by 6am-5 for the past few-working til my stomach growls, grabbing a quick fix, digging back in to the wax....The only time out occurs when other-worldly red haired orbs float outside the studio window and beckon for food and clean clothing~

Truth? I've hardly bothered showering-it would've taken too much time out from the studio!

But then this morning happened-just about 10am, I turned from the wax, gazed over the tables of changing surface and all I could do was sigh in finality. I needed to quit. I needed to raise the white flag and surrender to something else!

The multiple stories that have been born aren't finished, I still have ideas rolling through my brain, I want to invest in my time between teaching with all my energies. But. But my creative spirit is crying uncle! It needs a time out to recharge, reprogram and regroup. This is where my multitasking skills come in handy :) I'll turn to home work, baking, bill paying, bookkeeping. I'll open the cupboards and see what tasty concoction I can create for hungry boys. I'll take magic wand in hand and clear out some of the mess that's come to be since the creative energies began running rampant.

I wont turn on the wax though. It will stay opaque and cold; resting undisturbed in its vat, awaiting a new inspiration.

The first time this happened I was scared: Fearing absolute burnout. A final and complete drying up of the creative juices. Alas, time and experience have been friendly and taught me otherwise. This time is sweet; hitting a beeswax wall has great value. The heart recharges and the soul regroups to bring about better, richer, wholer and more blessed creations to carry the initial frenzied creation to completion. I love this place. Life. in love. trish

Are you proud of yourself?

'This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old is gone; the new has begun.' 2 corinthians 5:17

It is so hard, I think for women especially, to say we are proud of ourselves. There is fear of being judge self righteous, boastful or self promoting. Yet, when one turns the concept a bit, realizes that in God this is the only way; to be proud and walk in confidence his path for oneself, self righteousness, boasting and self promotion are impossible. One's whole life, every breath, becomes a testament to God's grace; a glorification of his mercy~
I believe whole heartedly, for the first time in my life, that grace has found its way through the self-inflicted guilt and lacking that I thought was the Me of me. The above phrase alone did it for me: so simple yet so profound. It turned my thinking around, tossed guilt to the curb and cracked off the hardened shell of the self I had made. Revealing the beautiful empowered grace-filled self that God put on this earth with a purpose. The old is gone and the new has begun and I am so proud of myself. I heard His call to me. I trusted in the direction His voice was sending me; to make a much better Me than even my own wildest dreams could conjur. I took hold of faith in that His grace would accept my broken self and allow me to begin walking His path designed exclusively for me. And boy, now I am proud. Like never before I can say with utmost confidence, that I am proud of who I am. in love! trish