ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his grasp or, what is heaven for?

I'm reaching beyond my own human grasp. I am seeking to go further than I can see with my own eyes and in my own mind. I can touch it...I can feel it...something lurking just outside the crescent of my vision, brushing the tips of my fingers as I stretch to touch beyond my line of sight. I can even see the outline of it; like a shadow flitting around the corner of my eye, a barely-discernable form waiting to take shape.
I want to hold it. I want to extend my fingers that extra length, these last few cenitmeters, and wrap them around the forming mass to give it shape and function. I want to build into it a life and purpose and meaning so as to bring about definition and vibrancy.
As it is right now I can hear the breath of it; so heavy-tentatively arching toward the enfolding of my outstretched grasp. With timid determination, creeping closer, and closer still-to come completely into the light and realize the fullness of potential in being made real in the world through my fingertips.
It is ready to be captured. It is ready to spill into my outstretched palm and give way to the creative destiny for which it was born. Not only ready but unable to hold back; pulsating with anticipation and leaning, leaning all the way over the precipice of fear and doubt and apprehension and self doubt to extinquish all that-flow over those resistant powers and crash through their invisible barrier-come into the clarity, brightness and assurance of a dream realized and made manifest through the righteous power of following ones willed path. in love trish.

thick skin

'First, if you think something is a good idea, don't let yourself get talked out of it. Apply common sense but develop a thick skin and avoid listening to naysayers.'

Develop a thick skin; that is the part I keep having so much trouble with! Part of me understands the necessity for it; to protect oneself from the vision and insight of others that can potentially halt our own inspiration with their 'know what's best for us' intrusions. As God would have it-'guard your heart'.
But a big part of me wants to just be open, and free, and accessible and THERE to it all-to everyone.
Find the balance....guard your heart.
So I stick myself out there and risk. I share my dreams and aspirations with those dear to me, and yes, with those I have hopes will share in the vision and become a part of making it come true. And, I risk. And, I get hurt. And, I pick myself up, shake off the dust, smile a genuine, yet pain-filled smile and turn away.
I stopped at the tears in the past. Not realizing the strength, fortitude and perseverance that existed within me to push on, shake off the dust and keep the dream alive. The unending source that will always help me rekindle the flame that was squelched by this person who received my dream so eagerly, seemed to share in the development of it, yet turned out to be a naysayer and a player with an ulterior motive in the end.
I would've still been found hiding in bed; buried under tear-stained covers cradling my weary, dream-shattered head-wearing cozy jammies stained with the days of self-pitying deception and ice cream platitudinous indulgence. Oh what a life!
Thank God I've found another way.
Confidence and conviction are not born of my own self will. They do not spring from a sense of myself or my own developed ability to 'do', 'be', or 'achieve'. I have tried to find this within myself for decades and continued to fall short of the success that could've been mine if I'd been searching and walking in the right way.
So today, on the other side of this past self conviction, as I face a letdown-for having trusted in an eager recipient of my dream to hold it and be a party to the blossoming of it...as I swallow hard, hold fast to my faith that this has come on my path designed by God, and rest into what I know will come tomorrow if I do the work of letting go of the pain and fortifying my resolve to do this as I've been called to do, I smile my pained smile. I distract myself with small projects that will allow my brain to process and my heart to breath. I look forward to the gentle bolstering up I can count on from John this evening. I put my disappointment into black and white to you so that it can be released from me; creating room for the good that must replace it.
So that after the hurt I'll have the heart. To stand firm again and continue amidst the disappointment a stronger, more convicted follower, ready to take the next step and make the next move as only God prompts me. So far, SO GOOD. The ring on my finger is proof. I made it through the test to get the testimony of this blessed marriage-I will live through these tests to achieve this testimony. I have prepared. I have followed the rules. I will not quit. in love. trish

a letter to my boys; swallow the right pill

'God asks; Do you trust me? We answer yes, again and again. only to realize the question is much bigger than we ever imagined. Anxiety has its use; stimulating us to seek with keener longing for that peace which is complete and unassailable.'
Of course we trust God, right?! I mean, he has to follow the rules, play by the game plan, stick to the script. So of course we trust.
But then he asks for more; to trust deeper, move further and believe greater-even in the face of the unknown. To step just outside of our comfort zone. To attempt something that goes beyond what we conceive as possible or even imagine being within our grasp. But he is asking; and we trust-so we go and do. We become a full-on player in the part he is asking us to play-the part we must play in order to truly be called alive.
Oh it hurts; digs deeper than anything we have yet done. Hurts more than the pain of mismanaged choices we made for ourselves over the years-before coming to him for the answers.
Yet, if we are honest with ourselves, we see that this pain is different. It is redolent with anticipation and granted, fear-filled, excitement. It is thick with expectation and possibility; even wonder and thanksgiving. Yes, even thanks. The stretching and pulling; the cracks and fissures that will require healing-they are withstood with thanksgiving and praise. No other will take us to where we must go, where we can find peace and glory and majesty beyond the humanness of life. No other will get us the deep satisfaction and pleasure-the pure, authentic joy of bold success. There is no other way.
And, once we come to realize that the pain of this kind of walking, of this depth of trust and honesty and love, comes with the gift of blessed glory and exaltation, there is no other way.
We learn this little by little; he does not ask us to take the whole pill in one swallow, but to start small, savor the growth that each provides, digest it and make it part of ourselves, then take the next he is offering. And to be able to continue to consume each tablet he is holding out to us fortifies our resolve to continue til the end. To even come to enjoy the medicine. As the divinely prescribed bottle begins to empty we find ourselves more rapidly finding recovery. And, growing in faith, we become eager for the next, even knowing that it will be difficult to swallow just as the others have been. Praising in the pain of it because we know, we have learned through experience, that the joy on the other side of digesting will far outweigh the pain of swallowing. in love. mom

got gott?

www.gottwines.com
I highly recommend the Zin.
The Cab has proven delicious as well ;)
happy glorious summer weekend to all.
in love. trish

so I made a wish

I need new luggage. Stuff to pack my clothes into that doesn't have wax debris in it. Stuff to pack my art materials into that will withstand the inquisitive search from TSA agents who can't conceive of why wax and skillets and heat guns are packed into a suitcase. Stuff that is durable and tough and lightweight and easy to maneuver!
So I entered a contest. I don't do that; enter contests, or answer radio call ins or fill out online forms to win~This one was specific to my needs though, and it was in the back of the Southwest Airlines Spirit magazine. With five hours in front of me before my arrival in Baltimore, I thought it would behoove me to fill it out and send it in.
I didn't win. And, I assume someone else took the prize :) I envy this mysterious person from somewhere in this great U S of A. I imagine it could even be someone I've sat next to when traveling to Ohio, or North Carolina, or Michigan....
I'm choosing to return to not entering contests, or filling in online forms to win or answering radio call ins. It is the safer side of reason to do this; the anticipation and potential 'what if' that ran through my head in the past month was too much for me. I much prefer my life's 'what ifs'; those created in the stepping one foot in front of the other on this enraptured path called daily living! These 'what ifs' may be filled with just as much unanswerable question, but they are directed from one who can see much further than the contest entry box with my little card tumbling about....
So my wish goes unanswered and I am okay with that! Admitting to the silly anticipation and excitement aside....
It was definitely not the most logical route to having it answered afterall!...but it just seemed serendipitous at the time; silly Trish-girl :)
It has served a purpose though in that I find I'm asking my inner self a question as a result of this wishing and not receiving: Was it truly a wish that needed answering?! Sure it would be lovely to not break my back hauling my American Tourister hard sided jumbo case from the carousel, feeling like an indigent with an ancient bumbling relic from the past...It would be delightful to never again open my clothing to another inspection sticker because I had to pack a skillet in with my pajamas since the aforementioned case was too heavy to pass through inspection with it within.
And, I do have a pretty pink carry on that holds my clothing nicely after all. Even though it's traveled the continent so many times that the 'pretty' is a little closer to 'garish' and the tear in the back from a determined TSA agent's handling help me to identify it straight away on the luggage conveyor...
Yet, a matching set of carryon, super sized checkable and medium provision sized luggage would be so delicious.....What a treat to be able to lift the large case in its empty state and not believe it's already full of supplies because it was born in neanderthal days before lightweight materials were discovered by modern man. Or to see my pink bag snugly ensconced overhead rather than forced to fall to the whim of TSA because I had to check it as it was used for supply storage....
My heart beats faster as I imagine this scenario....I smile in simple pleasure; envisioning myself descending the airport shuttle at SeaTac with matching, neatly contained cases.
Oh the silly joy of it! You'd think I'd pined for a new ballgown or breathtaking bauble. But no, life living lately has brought even more to the forefront my desire for simplicity, economy and the sheer delight of practicality; give me a suitcase and call me Cinderella~glass slippers would just be melted down to replace the cracked pane in the bathroom :)
And in the meantime, I fly to Phoenix in two weeks. I'm going to keep my eyes peeled for someone with a little lighter step and satisfied smile; and check out their luggage collection for that 'new' shine of a winner contest entrant:). And maybe make a 'wish list' to tuck into the back of my nightstand and dream over in months to come....one can never tell what happens when wishes are wished and dreams are released~ in love. trish

fierce wind?!~

'Chose trust again and again. Each time a fierce wind blows; again and again.'

I'm not asserting that I'm standing in a fierce wind; I know there are those who would liken my buffeting to a gentle breeze compared to the hurricane in which they stand bracingly. And, it's not as if I can't manage; that I am not feeling assured that I have the way to make it through. But...
My heart rate has increased. My name is called once, twice, three times before I pull back to hereandnow to realize someone is seeking my attention. I catch my brow furrowing as I splash wax. My every thought steers towards the how, where, why and what-now as the air currents blow my hair back and swirl my skirt around my knees.
My fierce wind may be less mighty but is just as poignantly real.

I wonder what God is going to do in and through me in this 'didn't plan on this' billowing gust....

I am in a creation time. Perhaps that is obvious to you; I've just gotten married, grown my family from just patrick and I at home to patrick, john, hannah and I at home.
Every square inch of my home is now our home.
It feels good. Quite good. One month in and it feels very, very good.
But I refer to a different 'creation time'.

Okay, you say. You are new to this 'Christian' mold. You are creating a life that reflects and glows with the spirit and heart of Christ. This is the 'creation time'.
Most definitely! What a blessed ride!
But no. This is still a different 'creation time'.

Alright, you guess. It's the schedule you are keeping. The development of a financially, emotionally, physically, spiritually viable and valid career.
Oh yes, this is true! I am creating a new way of working and a whole new mindset of what 'job' and 'providing' and 'survival' are all about.
But it is yet a different 'creation time'.

I apologize; I am being evasive! Keeping you on edge; not able to confess exactly what this is all about but wanting to share what it is doing in me while creation time is happening (No! I'm not pregnant!:)
The beauty of this new creating is that I recognize the direct path it took to come to me from God.
Have you had that in your life? An undeniable conviction of God providing something that you know is uniquely given? We each have it; that something that is exclusive to our person. I think we have lots of small somethings that come to light along the way in our lives. If we are in tune enough to see them as they come to us, we are walking more wholly on our unique path and more swiftly in the way designed for us.
This particular something has me walking more upright and joyous than ever before; I suppose it helps, and is no happenstance!, that it occurs simultaneously with the creation of my marriage. The joy of this creation is multiplied by the thrill of someone to share in the ride:)
But in this new creation there comes, and is coming, a buffeting wind: Sometimes a light breeze, sometimes a beach towel-tossing gust. And now, more of a shingle-stripping, roof-repairs-needed blow. I am finding amusement in it; not HAHA amusement, but Huh, this could be interesting amusement :)
Although it may not look like it to those who must face me on a daily basis, I am truly goosebumpy-joy-filled-excited by this challenging gust! (To cry in frustration and almost stomp ones' foot with a feeling of inadequacy is not a convincing conviction response!) As I write that I smile; seeing the undeniable mystery of it. The person I was just a year ago could never have asserted such a thing! She would've stopped at the crying and stayed right there...
Who is this creature I've become and how has she come to be?! To say I welcome a hair-messing, skirt-flying swell?! Crazy....
How do I see the sunlight through this shingle-ripping storm? Simple. He's provided so much so far; God's grace promises this in the choices I've made. Just that. Nothing more.
Even in this challenge he is working, and I will write in a week, a month, a year, of the amazing blessing that came to be on the other side of persevering through the winds.

And to those who face me daily and are, by proximity, hit by the edge of this storm: Who look in my eyes and see only the mulling over without having sight through to the smiling conviction and yet, continue to hug me with an 'it's all good' conviction of their own: Who hesitate to ask me to contemplate their needs when they only see my focused neglect of everything other than this...thank you with the passionate gratitude of hearty love. It is with you that this ride is even possible. in love. trish

Messing in the studio in July....

Assorted smorgasborg of stuff I'm working on and through! Enjoy and happy summer! in love. trish.

June and July

In like a lion; out like a lamb?! Wait, is that March into April?! Well for me, it must be April because my lion has just left and I am seeking to lie with the lamb for awhile!
June began with the heightened anticipation of the pending wedding. With John and I determined to not come together until the wedding day, to continue learning and growing together but to not confuse the lines drawn between our two families until we were official married, the countdown to June 16th began with palpable energy. In the midst of this I managed to remember to pay my quarterly taxes (go girl!), get Patick's lunch made every day until the last (21st of June! It's later every year!) and make it to the International Encaustic Conference at Montserrat College in Beverly, MA.
It didn't feel like an exhorbitant amount of doing when we were doing it, but boy! now that we are trying to breath deep and settle into a sensible routine for a household grown from two to four, the rush of June is definitely sitting in on our backs like a lion breathing down one's neck! God's blessings abound though and to have made it through with flying colors is no less than an understatment. We did beautifully and are seeing things from the other side of massive upheaval and loving every moment of it. Brian and Patrick and safely ensconsed in Michigan with their father for the next five weeks, I've returned from a driving workshop route through southern Oregon and Hannah is busy introducing her friends to her new retreat (bedroom!) with its beautifully bold Pink Blast walls and immensely induglent, all-girl cozy bed. John is still making runs up to the farm in Arlington in order to collect belongings and put things in order for the new renter but also enjoying the care that comes from abolishing the status of 'single dad'
that he's worn for 11 years....(and I thought my adjustment was tough)! Needless to say, John and I are very happy. Fully convicted of our decisions, fastly settled in our goals and patiently breathing through the growing pains our children are presenting to us in the change ;) Give it a year.....one day at a time and communicating in all the smooth and rough waters. July has John back to giving loving care to the residence at Rosewood Courte, Hannah getting set up for drivers' ed courses and me locking the door on the studio Monday through Friday so as to put the best stuff possible into this second book-until John sends a text reading 'on my way love!' To which my heart lifts, I concoct something dinner-worthy and look forward to sharing thoughts and dreams with my life partner~Perhaps we'll look back from this place in a year and see that the lion lived in the whole summer-maybe the whole second half of 2010-in our blended home! Whether with the lion yet, or relaxing into the routine and resting with the lamb, it is good. Call it whatever you'd like; it is just so good. in love. trish (this is my super happy face :)))